This weekend I felt really seen. I felt important. I felt loved. You know those moments when you feel so overwhelmed with gratitude your eyes brim with tears but a sweet smile dances across your lips? Yeah, there was lots of those. I was so overwhelmed with the gifts, cards, texts, and phone calls for my birthday. I truly, honestly, did not expect it. How do you expect something you don’t feel worthy of?
I find it so difficult to let myself sit in love. Believe someone when they say how rad I am or let myself feel safe in their hugs and kisses. I have a survival instinct to run as soon as I feel safe enough to melt into someone. I protect myself from being left by leaving first. Who else does this? Why do we keep doing this when we end up feeling alone either way?
This week, in my Facebook and Instagram video, I was going to talk about being a bad ass. What you’ve conquered, what goal you reached that you didn’t think you could. I pride myself in being a fighter. Strong, resilient, willing to jump off a ledge but maybe I’m wrong. Not that I’m not those things but that I’m missing a vital piece. It’s not all about me. Shocker, I know.
What if the real joy is jumping into someone's arms at the finish line? Or letting yourself be vulnerable enough to show the bruises you earned along the way? Not just because it feels good for you to be loved but it feels good for them to love you.
I’ve been humbled and reminded that I still have a lot of work to do in the bad ass arena. If I can reach the end of my life and let myself feel love all the way down to my toes, I’ll consider that a bad ass life lived.
Love is a funny thing. It is hard to be vulnerable enough to accept love just in case it isn't real, or fades and leaves. Or expects to0 much of me. Loving someone and letting someone love you seems to be wrapped in some responsibility to each other. But then how empty would we be without love? Maybe the "joy" of love is worth what "potential" pain it might bring? Still trying to figure that one out. But I agree, loving is way easier than allowing oneself to be loved. So many risks.
ReplyDeleteThere are def a lot of risks and I think it takes a lifetime to figure it out. And maybe not even then. I’ve often created a story in my head about what the other person expects of me or wants me to be and I’ve been wrong more times than I’ve been right. I always thought they needed more or better but most didn’t. I don’t know if I ever saw love as a responsibility. Or at least my version of responsibility. I think there’s always going to be pain whether I let myself love and be loved or not. I’ve been equally lonely and hurt in both. I guess I’m coming to a point where I need to start to let go of all the pain of the love that wasn’t real or faded or left. If I’m going to be lonely or hurt in the end I might as well enjoy the love on the way. I’m terrified that I’ll get hurt but I’m more terrified I’ll never really share myself with people. And allow them to share themselves with me.
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