Whenever someone says, “I feel healthier than I did 10 years ago,” I mumble, “Good for you.” I’ve just turned 40 and it’s actually been my favorite birthday, but my body would like to lodge a complaint. 40 is not the new 30.
When I went to the doctor at 30 it was for birth control and burning when I pee. To be clear, it was a bladder infection not a consequence of sexy time scenarios that went rogue. This year my doctor said, “I think we’re going to start doing some routine tests every year. You’re getting to that age when things start to go wrong.” This was met with stunned silence. Had my heart and eating innards chatted with my brain and decided to revolt as well? That’s just unfair b*llshit.
Once upon a time when I looked in the mirror my nipples would be standing at attention. Now, that only happens when it’s cold like a motha. Otherwise, they stare at the floor, drained from holding up too many Dairy Milk Toffee bars. No longer are they saying, “Let’s go meet some boys!” but, “We already got the boys to the yard, now leave us alone.”
I do yoga to trick my brain into thinking my body is relaxed and I’m not constantly unraveling. There’s this 25-year-old yoga guru who goes from mountain pose (standing with arms stretched out at 11 and 1) to kissing her knees in one second. My journey is slower and accompanied by grunts. Halfway down I grab onto my knees and slowly walk my hands down my lower legs to the ground. This way my back doesn’t snap. It’s graceful as f*ck. By the time my hands reach the floor she’s already moved onto the next pose. But I keep going because one day soon, “I’ll feel healthier than I did ten years ago.”
at least, by the look of the pic, you shaved your legs. that's a chore in itself!
ReplyDeleteHahaha. It really, really is. I don’t think I’ve shaved above the knee for months.
ReplyDelete