What Doesn't Kill You Makes You...

  

  I understand that the end of this saying is supposed to be stronger. However, I highly disagree that this is always the outcome of long and/or extreme struggles. I think what doesn’t kill you can make you too exhausted to live the life you want, shut you down, make you resentful and sarcastic, and a whole host of other not so positive consequences.

 

            From my experience, and what I’ve witnessed in others, there is a point at which pain does lead to strength but once the struggle becomes too intense or lasts too long it’s not strength and resilience that are the prominent outcomes. It can be much more destructive and change the person at a fundamental level.

 

            My hardest struggle, bipolar disorder, has not killed me but it has made me resentful and exhausted. I’m resentful that no matter how hard I try to make forward momentum in my career and finances I’m always being pulled back into bipolar’s seemingly endless and horrible symptoms. It’s exhausting to constantly be starting all over again.

 

            But I think the worst outcome of my bipolar struggle is how much time I spend hating myself because of how broken I feel. Is it as bad as it was twenty years or even five years ago? Probably not, but I spend too much time feeling like I’m a failure and worthless. 

 

            So, why is this saying so popular and why can it be problematic? Perhaps because people are trying to come up with reasons for why they are facing certain challenges in life but I think that sometimes horrible things just happen and trying to convince ourselves or other people that our only choice is to become stronger can make everything harder and heavier. Maybe for your harder struggles, you can allow yourself the space and grace to feel all the negative feelings without the expectation that you also need to somehow create more strength and resiliance within yourself.

What's My Life Purpose?

Whenever I see an article or video about how to find my life purpose my tummy gets all wound up, my breathing gets shallow, and I have this sense of impending doom. Like somehow, I’m just wasting away my life waiting for the next Netflix murder mystery series to drop and on my death bed I’ll still be writing about how I’m basically a mess but hey, aren’t we all. I’ve taken all the What is Your Purpose quizzes and read all the 5 Ways to Realize Your Purpose articles. Heck, I’ve even tried on other people’s purposes and somehow, they’re never the right fit or color.

 

Maybe I just don’t understand how this whole life purpose deal works. Do you have just one or does it change over time? How big a dent does it have to make in the world for it to count? And for the love of all that’s confusing, what does it feel like when you finally figure it out? There’s often that one liner in romantic movies when someone asks how you know you’re with the right person and the already confused character gets told, “You just know.” Like how is that helpful?! If they knew then they wouldn’t be asking.

 

When I was younger it seemed much more clear what my purpose was but it turned out I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong. I was sure I was supposed to be a counsellor. However, my bipolar disorder made it VERY clear that this was not the path for me. When I tried to help others, or even go to school to learn how to help others, my symptoms would get infinitely worse and I’d end up crying and hiding in my closet until eventually I’d have my medication increased. Incidentally, my dear readers, it only took me 25 years to learn that lesson so I’m definitely winning at life. 

 

So, if you’re like me and struggling with this whole purpose of my life question you are not alone. And if you’ve figured out how to definitively know what you’re supposed to bring to the world let me know. I need a better answer than, “You’ll just know”.

The Hard Work

As we fumble our way through the painful parts of life, we often leave bits and pieces of our aching selves by the side of the road. Sometimes it’s because we don’t have the tools to work through the pain or we don’t have the space in our lives to face the hurt, but sometimes we just don’t want to. Slogging through pain, shame, guilt, fear, or whatever lovely gifts are left over from our time of suffering sucks. Like sucks hard. But sadly, when we abandon parts of ourselves to live a life that is “enough” we eventually hit a wall called “but I want more”. I want more love, trust, abundance, faith, courage, fill in whatever word you like but the more is found in the pieces of yourself you left behind.

 

I’ve left a lot of Brandi pieces along the side of the road. It’s been easier to abandon her then feel all the shame and hurt that are left over from a childhood where my father left too soon and my stepfather stayed too long. But I’m starting to break a little. Maybe more than a little. Break down or break open I’m not quite sure but I have a sneaky suspicion they’re really the same thing. I need to become whole again because I want a life where I can really trust in love. Feel the excitement of love. Show up to love with a heart full of hope. And the only place I’m going to find that trust, excitement, and hope is in the pieces of me I left behind. The younger me who isn’t battle weary but can see love as the gift it really is and not just a way to be hurt and abandoned.

 

I have an amazing love in my life who is doing his very best to show up as vulnerable as he can and all I do is keep raising the bar of what I “need”. Unfortunately, reaching this bar is unachievable because I’ve designed it that way. I’m figuring out that I’ve never been able to fully trust in our love and that I keep raising that bar so that at some point he’ll say screw it and give up (which is doubtful) and it’ll prove to me that no love is safe. That I was right all along and even the most incredible men will hurt me and leave me in the end. Then I can continue to abandon my younger self and never have to feel all the awful, unresolved feelings. 

 

So here I am hoping I’ll be able to gather all those pieces of young Brandi I’ve scattered on my path and that when I find them, I’ll know what to do with them. That young Brandi can forgive me and teach me how to show up to love with hope and not with my runners on. Somewhere inside of me I already know that my love is the kind of person I can trust wholeheartedly; it’s me I’m not so sure of. I need to stop trying to control every movement of our love because I’m scared of being hurt and abandoned. The truth is that I abandoned myself long before he came along and no one can hurt me as much as I’ve hurt myself.

 

So lovely readers, here’s to hoping we can give ourselves enough grace to sit in our own pain with an open heart and become whole again.

Childhood Emotional Abuse

            I wasn’t going to write this blog but I need to take some of my power back. I’ve found it hard to create a flow with these words because trauma is messy and unpredictable but it’s time to create some space for my feelings of helplessness to tell their story. 

 

 I don’t often talk about the awful man who made my childhood much harder than it needed to be. I say I hated him and he was awful and leave it at that because I carry so much shame around how his treatment made me feel weak and powerless and never, ever good enough. How could I admit that I let someone, especially a man, make me feel small and insignificant? Even though I was only a child some part of me still believes I could have changed the situation so that he couldn’t hurt me or anyone else I loved.

 

Abuse, especially at a young age, steals your innocence, vulnerability, and trust. I had to grow up much faster than I should have and have trouble being open to affection. I find it hard to make eye contact when I feel positive and powerful emotions, saying l love you can be challenging, and seeing someone’s eyes soften with love makes me anxious and want to shut down. Why would someone love me? What do I need to do to deserve this love? When will they figure out how broken I am and run away?

 

I don’t remember a lot of the details of the abuse because I left my body so much as a child. My brain couldn’t compute why someone would treat their family with such anger and disrespect so it just shut down. I still have moments where I feel scared to take up space in my own home because when you’re convinced that you aren’t good enough at a young age there’s always that nagging voice that says, “Maybe he was right. Maybe I’m just kidding myself.” 

 

Emotional abuse is often hard to recognize because it’s weaved into a life that can look great on the outside. A garden full of flowers, church on Sunday, and trips around the world. The abuser can be well respected by their peers and do many positive things for their community. They can even be seen as a hero to some but this may not be the same person that calls you demeaning names because your shorts are too short.

 

            And where are the people who are supposed to protect you? Well, sometimes they are hiding with you because they don’t want to be shouted at either. It’s a messy situation where there are no easy answers and some days are really good. So good that you think maybe life is going to finally change… but then the next day you’re back hiding and crying in your closet. There is hate but there is also love and loyalty and your own sense of shame and guilt that you can’t somehow change yourself into the person they want you to be. That is, if they want you around at all. And sometimes they really don’t.

 

            But with 30 years of slow healing, I’ve found some of the gifts buried underneath all his hate and desperation. That time in my life helped me realize that I deserve only the most gentle, vulnerable, and sensitive love which I’ve found in my partner. It taught me that I can survive almost anything which gives me lots of space to take risks, fall on my ass, and get back up to chase my next dream. And finally, digging up all that pain gives me a seemingly endless pool of compassion and empathy for others who are suffering. 

 

It's Hard to Become Who You Are

It’s hard to become who you are. To take all the pieces of yourself that feel broken and love them back together. It’s often ugly and messy and forces you to sit down and admit you truly have no idea what you’re doing. You haven’t figured it all out, you could lose everything you hold dear tomorrow, and the only thing left to do is let go. 

 

It’s hard to become who you are. Reading all the inspirational memes that show up on your social media knowing how far away you are from that level of clarity and transformation. You feel overwhelmed by the thought that if you’re not fulfilling your spiritual destiny, you aren’t really living at all.

 

It’s hard to become who I am. To dream big and fall hard because I have no idea how to create a large life and still able to lay on the couch and watch Friends with the person I love most. I silently cry because I feel like I’m failing at sitting in my soul, living from my heart, and using the gifts I have been given. 

 

I am not the person leading the brigade to create a more loving world and inspiring the masses to be more than they think they could be. I am the person walking beside you and gently holding your trembling hand because I know how hard it is to try to become who you are. 

If My Inner Warrior Had a Voice

This is what my inner warrior wants me to hear but I'm often too busy, distracted, or angry at my limitations to really hear it. When I gave it space this is what it told me.

I try so hard, but you need to be gentler with me. I often feel like I'm drowning and sometimes you don't take care of me. Sometimes you get angry and resentful and can't see all the small steps I'm trying to take to make life easier. I can't explain to you how hard it is when you push me beyond my limits and then are surprised when you crash at the end of the day. I give you lots of hints that I just can't anymore, and you ignore them. I make your breathing shallow, I clench your stomach so tight you can't eat, and I slow down your thinking.

I need you to be patient with me when I'm barely holding on. Sometimes I'm coming undone and can't hold myself together anymore and shut down to survive. It's exhausting to try and keep the voices away while you want to come up with pithy lines to impress a potential editor.

I need you to listen to me. At night when I'm heavy and need to be released please let yourself sob and not distract yourself with Escape Room games on your phone. When I start to clench your fists and tense your shoulders let yourself hit a pillow or scream or dance it out. And when your body feels so heavy it takes effort to even breath let yourself lay down and rest.

I need you to see how far I've come. When you were younger, I could barely stop you from cutting yourself and taking all your pills but look at you now. Even when unwell you can still mostly function and that was damn hard to get to. Years of trying out different pills, therapy, honing coping skills, and learning to lean on others when you need help.

I need you to stop writing this blog. You want to make it longer or more impressive, but I am exhausted, and I need you to put away the computer and just rest.

5 Tips for Finding Motivation When Depressed

I just spent the last three hours playing online cards and watching You Tube dance videos instead of working on a short story due this week. Months ago, I was driven to finish the tasks and deadlines I set for myself and now I'm lucky if I write at all. I used to follow a strict schedule that included yoga, meditation, cleaning, writing, eating, exercising, etc. and now I only do about half the tasks. It's starting to occur to me that depression is moving back in. It can be hard to spot because it brings lots of baggage but only unpacks one shirt at a time. By the time I notice its presence my drawers are overflowing and I'm stuck in the muck and not sure what to do.

Sadly, life doesn't stop because I'm not well. After years and years of this cycle I've created some coping skills to try and keep productive and engaged with life when depressed. It's really difficult when my carpets are screaming for a hoover and my keyboard is covered in dust and all I want to do is lay in bed all day. So, here's a few things I do to motivate myself when unwell:

1)Sit with it. Whenever I want to move through something, I sit in my body and feel it. Right now, the grief and anger that are hiding under my current depression are crushing my chest and making my body feel so heavy it seems impossible to move forward. I'm angry that I'm not working towards my goals and sad because when apathy takes over, I don't care. It sucks to sit in the uncomfortable emotions but sometimes the only way through it, is through it.

2)Talk to someone. Sometimes I don't realize I've become so unmotivated until I start talking to someone about how their life is going and I realize mine has been put on hold again. When I get depressed, I get so distracted by my own inner monsters that I forget there is a whole world out there accomplishing things. I find that if I talk to a loved one about my depression, and how I'm feeling useless and like a failure, I don't have to carry around all that shame and I have more energy to be productive.

3)Create goals. I'm a goal-oriented person. I need to be working towards something or I get bored and lose all my creative juices. The goals don't have to be opening a bakery or becoming a lawyer; it can be having a shower and eating a meal. Right now, my goal is to work on blogs an hour a day and stories for thirty minutes. These are easy goals because if I can't accomplish them I just get angry with myself, become hopeless, and go back to watching Jennifer Lopez convince me she 'Ain't Your Mama'.

4)Just start. Sometimes I have to start doing the tasks no matter how I feel and hope it gets easier. I find the hardest step is the first step. The good thing about starting is that it can give me the motivation to keep going. That one shower makes me feel good enough to add on a meal. This path may be slow, but each step is one step closer towards my goals and farther from hours of online crib. I understand when really unwell this can be horribly difficult so maybe giving yourself compassion and forgiveness can be the goal for that day.

5)Celebrate the good days and forgive yourself for the rest. Some days I can do yoga, exercise, eat three meals, and write for three hours and the next I can barely have a shower and eat a single meal but I keep trying. Honestly, I'm still working on this tool. I'm actually better at forgiveness than celebration but giving myself high fives is starting to get easier.