A Love Letter To My Female Posse

About once a month I get together with some lovely ladies for dinner. Sometimes we’re with our spouses but more often it’s just us. There’s something almost magical about having a posse of ladies behind you no matter what. When we’re together we don’t need to be the caretaker or organizer. We don’t need to be mom or wife or daughter. More and more I’m seeing the enormous mental and emotional load woman carry around and how heavy and lonely it can be. The responsibility we’ve taken on to keep those we love as happy and comfortable as possible, no matter the cost to us, can seem enormous at times. I feel like a bit of a fan girl to be honest. So, this is a love letter to all the amazing ladies that fill my life.

 

I cherish your ability to create genuine connection. Whether it’s over coffee or cocktails there’s no moments of awkward silence. Often there’s laughter and silliness but sometimes there’s tears and angry rants. There’s no competition, jealousy, or pettiness. Just a warm space to be raw, honest, and ourselves.

 

I’m amazed by how much sh*t you can fit into one day. Your color-coded iPhone calendars with everyone's (EVERYONE’S) activities filling up the days looks daunting. Dropping off kids at school, dance, band, hockey, all the doctors and dentist appointments plus work schedules. There are literally no days without a dot to remind you which roles you need to fulfill that day. Wife, mom, daughter, employee, sister, friend and sometimes all of the above. Even my calendar has a lot of dots without any kids so I can’t even imagine how utterly exhausted you must get and yet you keep going because the sh*t needs to get done.

 

I’m honored to be a witness to your messiness. The imperfections you may try and hide from most of the world provides the richness and flavor to our relationship. I’m humbled when you share all that makes you feel broken knowing that we’ve created a space safe enough to hold all that shame, pain, and heaviness. 

 

What I wish for those ladies I love, and those I don’t know, is that you can see how spectacular you are. How you are often the foundation of your families, sometimes even the extended ones, and how you carry that with grace, patience, and even a little humor. If I could come to each of your houses and celebrate how wonderful you are I would, but honestly there’s just not enough days in our calendars without dots. 

Greetings From a "Selfish", Child-Free Woman

 

    Controversial topic I know. Let me add some more formula to that reproductive fire. I’m not really a kid person. I know, I know. How could I, someone with ovaries and a uterus, not enjoy being around children?! It’s not that I find anything inherently wrong with children. I happen to care a lot about a select number of children. It’s that for a number of reasons I just didn’t want to spend my life surrounded by kids and for that reason some parts of society have deemed me as selfish. Talk about a loaded description for a woman. We’ve been socialized to see selfish as one of the worst judgments that can flung upon us. Martyrdom seems to be the gold standard.

     

    I’m going to share a few reasons I chose not to have kids. And yes, to some people they’ll seem selfish and trivial and maybe, just maybe that’s ok. Perhaps other people’s judgements aren’t my business because in the end they’re not really about me.

 

1)I find a lot of children to be very overstimulating and exhausting. These are two of the biggest triggers for my bipolar disorder, which is not particularly well controlled even with meds, meditation, yoga, walking…all the things. So, not being triggered in the first place is the best way for me to manage my bipolar symptoms. 

 

2)I spend a large chunk of my time focused on what I want and need and I’m not ashamed of that. Because of this I’ve done a lot of things that I may not have had time or space to do if I had children. So far, I’ve birthed a brewery with my husband, self-published a book, and learned so very much about myself. It’s 1pm on a Thursday and I’m in a café drinking a caramel frappe, listening to 90’s hip hop, and writing about why I don't want kids. Tonight I'll spend an hour or so practicing piano which is my newest creative focus. I love the freedom to focus on myself and what I want to accomplish in life.

 

3)My husband and I are my top priority. Because we don’t have children there is a lot of space for us to explore ourselves and all aspects of our relationship. Space for growth, change, and creative endeavours are important parts of who we are. 

 

I am by no means saying that not having kids is somehow better than having them but for some of us what we need and want in life just doesn’t jive with prams and playdates.