My Struggle With Flow

 

There’s this guy I know. We’ll call him Joe. One of the great things about Joe is that he seems genuinely happy just being wherever he is, doing whatever he’s doing. I’m not saying he doesn’t have struggles. He’s human, after all. But what I love about the way he lives is the sense of flow it seems to create.

The nemesis of flow is constant analysis, and this is where I falter. My brain is always searching for patterns, reasons, and the bigger meaning behind everything. What does this situation say about you, me, and the state of the world around me? I'm stuck in an endless loop of depth created by heaviness and fear, a depth that may have helped me survive at one point but now just leaves me exhausted and teary-eyed when someone talks about being in a state of flow.

Sometimes I watch people on the bus and wonder what thoughts are running their lives. Maybe that thirty-something man who is laughing as he texts is sending an emoji in response to a silly meme of a howling husky puppy. Or that twenty-something woman picking at her nails is making a mental note to book a mani-pedi this week.

I used to think it was sad that people didn’t spend as much time as I did searching for depth and meaning. I believed it meant I would somehow have a more fulfilling and purposeful life. But in reality, it keeps me from truly living in the only thing that is real — this one moment.

How great would it be if I could spend less time trying to figure out the why and simply be content with the what.

Well, You Have Some Audacity!

 

I had a conversation recently that surprised me.

My new job has the title Office Administrator, but really it’s a hodgepodge of IT, streamlining office procedures, design, and social media. By far, my weakest area is IT. My brain just doesn’t understand the underpinnings of IT - nor does it want to.

I was trying to upload OneDrive and M365 data to an external hard drive but it wouldn’t let me because the drive apparently needed to be partitioned. What the af does that even mean? I had spent the day frustrated by technology, and now this?  

My brain kind of exploded, and words just started tumbling out of my mouth. In front of my new boss. Well—to my boss, really. I wasn’t rude but I did express that all this IT stuff is beyond what an admin usually does and maybe I’m not the right person for this job and that I might not live up to his expectations. He responded that I could still learn a lot of these things. And then, even surprising myself, I said, But what if I don’t want to? What if I don’t want a job where I need to know all this IT stuff?

He seemed taken aback… and honestly, I felt grounded.

I’ve only had this job for a month, and here I am saying, But wait—what if I don’t want this job?Searching for a job is awful. There are few part-time jobs out there that would work for me, and yet here I am willing to walk away because I don’t want to spend my days doing a job that is full of frustration and little joy. 

What amazed me, though, was that I wasn’t nervous during this conversation and I didn’t spend the rest of the day agonizing over it. I felt like I had the right to create a life that I actually wanted to wake up for every day. Not just a right—but a responsibility to find joy and meaning.

I think audacity is a positive trait. It gives me the strength and presence of mind to show up as myself even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for others. What I want and need matters, and I will voice it even if that means changing course again and again.

 

The Rocky Road of Resume Rejection

                Looking for a job is frustrating, overwhelming, and terribly lonely. I just want someone to tell me how elegant my filing systems are and how my excel sheets are like a work of art. Sending out resume after resume, into what feels like a void, makes me feel like I have nothing of value to share with the world. When I hear other people talk about how they get complimented at work, even for things that should be easy like writing grammatically correct emails and not losing their sh*t with customers, I feel all sorts of jealousy rolling around in my tummy.

Apparently the best way to find a job now is networking. To me, networking means small talk and small talk is boring. I can deal with discomfort, but boredom makes me sigh loudly and slump in my chair. Like, I don’t care how you feel about another day of rain or how you’re adding soft close kitchen cabinets or what your new favourite excel feature is. (Actually, the excel thing might be interesting.) I want to know what makes you feel so much joy that you lose yourself in the moment or what makes you cry in the shower because you just feel so defeated. But most humans, especially those you don’t know well, just aren’t comfortable sharing the parts of themselves that really matter.

So, how do I get through this job searching awfulness? Right now, it’s listening to Pink Pony Club and letting my finger tips flutter over the keys so that for a few minutes I can get lost in a world where an exposed heart matters more than paying the mortgage.