My husband and I have had many conversations about how people say they want a man who is sensitive and vulnerable but we’re not so sure that they would enjoy, or even be able to handle, the reality of a partner like that. I think it’s important that society has a conversation about this. If we keep telling men that we want them to show up a certain way and then for whatever reason we reject them because of that, that’s unfair and could shut those wonderful parts of them down.
So, my small contribution is sharing my reality of living with and loving an emotional, sensitive, and vulnerable man. Here are 3 things that may shed some light on what it can take to create a safe space for a sensitive man.
1)Can you sit with your partner while they sob and not feel scared or out of control? Can you watch them fall apart and just hold space without trying to fix it? My husband, just like me, doesn’t always have convenient, tempered, and beautiful feelings. Sometimes he feels hopelessness, despair, and rage. In order for me to be able to sit calmly and in a supportive role while my husband shows up extremely vulnerable I need to be ok with my own hopelessness, despair, and rage. If I hadn’t dealt with a lot of my own sh*t then I would probably either reject his vulnerability because I’m uncomfortable or always end up making his pain about me.
2)Open and honest communication is key. Luckily I love talking, but some of our conversations are super uncomfortable because he’s able to show up quite emotionally exposed. It can hard to watch someone I love so deeply hurt so much and feel helpless to make anything better or knowing that I have hurt him in some way. I need to be able to stay open and vulnerable even in the hard moments when all I want to do is shut down because he deserves a safe space to fall apart just like I do. This, again, is about doing my own healing and growth work.
3)Maybe this is just me but I actually find it harder to stay in an emotional and vulnerable moment if my husband is expressing how much he cares about me. Especially when paired with intense eye contact. I’m not sure I really believe in unconditional love but if it’s real my husband is the closest person I’ve ever personally known to reach it. I’ve had to do some deep healing around my abandonment issues to be able to stay at least somewhat open to a type of love that I still have a hard time recognizing. A love that is deep, grounded, and unselfish. I would say this area still needs work on my part.
I can’t imagine being with someone who wasn’t as sensitive, emotional, and vulnerable as my husband because it has been the most amazing gift but I also know that some people probably couldn’t (or wouldn’t want to) create a relationship that could safely hold all that raw emotion. And that’s perfectly fine because we all need and want different things from a partner. What’s important is understanding what that is and how you want it to present itself so that you aren’t sending mixed messages about wanting a Disney prince but when they show up needing Kleenex you shut them down.
